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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 9, 2012 19:44:20 GMT -5
I watched the stables come into closer view as I waited for Kesha to respond. Today was weird...it had been so much fun, and then this had happened...yet despite it all I was still happy. I looked over to Kesha and gave a small smile, although she couldn't see. Turning away, I just rode in silence, and that was okay too. Yes, I wanted her to trust me. But that would take time, and I didn't want to be that grouchy guy with abandonment issues. I looked over to her when she spoke and nearly sighed. She was so desperate to think that things wouldn't get better, and I didn't know how to tell her that they would. "I didn't say I was unlucky because nobody knew everything about me," I said quietly. "There are things I wouldn't tell anyone, not even my most trusted friends. But I'm unlucky because nobody ever wanted to know those things. If you get that," I trailed off and shook my head. I knew she had been betrayed and it had hurt her, but she didn't seem to understand where I was coming from yet. I looked over to her and smiled sadly. "Some people just don't like accepting that others have been hurt worse than themselves," I said to her. "It'll be hard to trust again, but don't be afraid to. Trust has to be earned, so I'm not saying just be open and trust everybody. Yeah, there are people who don't truly care. But there are good guys out there, too. Don't be scared to let people in," I said. I hated the hurt in her voice, the way she seemed so withdrawn even thinking about her past. It made me want to tell her everything would be okay, that nobody else was going to hurt her. But I couldn't tell her that. Not now, and probably not ever. I sighed and then smiled as she trotted ahead of me. I only just caught what she said before she kicked her mare into a canter. I nudged Gus and he burst ahead, quickly catching Sasha and wanting to surge ahead. "The race is over, stupid," I laughed to the gelding, pulling him up to canter alongside Sasha and Kesha. I glanced over to her and managed a smile. "Things will get better," I told her, wishing I felt as confident as I sounded. Some people just never got over things that had happened, but I was determined to help Kesha get through it, no matter how long it took.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 10, 2012 2:58:33 GMT -5
I looked to Will and thought about everything he said. I sighed and shook my head he wasn't really seeing what I meant, I didn't think it was hopeless to move on or try to move on but it was hard, I also didn't think that my problems were bigger then other peoples or even that he was lucky or unlucky for never having someone care to really get to know him. I was just hurt and that made me feel afraid sometimes so I got bitter and acted like there was no upside to anything. I sighed as we trotted along and then said, "I get that, I honestly do it feels awful when no one wants to know the real you." I said looking ahead fighting the eurg to look down. Sasha snorted and whipped her head, I rolled my eyes and pulled her down to a normal trot again. I snorted and said. "I accept others have been hurt worse then me! My sister is one of them!" I said raising my voice alittle but only becuase Sash had picked a faster gait and I was having trouble hearing myself speak. I sat down deep in my saddle making Sash trot slowly. "Your right trust is earned and I know that there are good guys out there and I'm willing to give anyone a shot. Its not my fault people fear people with bad pasts." I said with a shrug everyone who found out about me either pityed me or become worried and afraid of what they heard. People feared my past even more then I did just because they didn't understand it. I smiled at what he said to Gus and rolled my eyes, and then smiled a weak small smile, "things are better life back in that danm city was awful." I said looking at the ground thinking of my dad and then everything that happened after I moved out of his house. Sash snorted and I let her trot a little faster into the stable yard.
(Her past is about to bite in the @$$)
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 10, 2012 3:26:01 GMT -5
I sighed as Kesha got defensive again. No matter what I said, it just never seemed to be the right thing with her. It was like she was looking for an excuse to jump down my throat. I nodded quietly to what she said, making a wordless grumble of agreement. At her next words though, I turned to her and frowned. "I wasn't talking about you when I said that!" I said to her, surprised she would think for a minute I'd meant her. "I meant all those people who you said acted disgusted in you!" I glowered angrily for a moment before sighing and softening my gaze. "I'd never say something like that," I said to her. I didn't want to intrude on the fact she'd mentioned her sister, and I wasn't going to ask what had happened. Her family life was her own business as far as I was concerned, and to me it seemed like she didn't even want me concerned at all. I looked away and gently nudged Gus faster, trying to ignore the ball of irritation forming in my gut. "Yeah, trust is earned...but you need to be willing to give people the chance to earn it in the first place," I said to her, a little too harshly. I was trying to be understanding here, but Kesha just kept pushing me further away with every sentence she spoke. "They don't fear people with bad pasts," I said to her. "It's people with bad pasts who are afraid to let people see those pasts. That's where the problems are." I kicked Gus into a canter and rode into the yard, seeing Jewel's back end disappear into the barn building around the corner. I heard Kesha's comment about her life back in the city, but didn't respond. I had a feeling that if I heard anything else about her life being miserable, I'd snap. I kicked my feet out of my stirrups and swung off my big chestnut, leaning against him for a moment to try and calm myself. I turned to Kesha with a small smile and nodded. "I'm glad things are better," I said to her evenly. "But you gotta let them become good, even great. Don't let the past hold you back." I walked over to a washbay, Gus following behind me without being led. I began undoing his girth and untacking him to hose him off, still lost in my thoughts.
(woop woop! yay for dramaaa!!)
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 10, 2012 4:12:12 GMT -5
I narrowed my eyes and gritted my teeth and said, "yeah sorry... I just hate it when people say that cause that is how I used to be." I bit my lip and watched Sasha's ears as we came back into the yard, as soon as we entered the yard I jumped from Sasha's back and she instantly started fallowing me around. "I am gonna drop this whole dang subject cause every freaking time I bring it up I ruin my chances at being friends with someone." I said getting annoyed at myself, "but I have to say one this first. The problems aren't with the people with bad pasts its the people who look at us like freaks cause we have trust issues and are scarred inside and out." I said and then added, "and that's all I'm dropping this cause I can't take it anymore everytime I start to talk about this other people get scared or mad. And yeah things are better and I have been trying to get them to be great for over a year, I don't want anyones pity and disgust so I keep it to myself." I said all of this without so much as even slightly raising my voice. It felt good to say it, I bit my lip and walked over to Sash stroking her face getting ready to untack her. I leaned my head on her neck and whispered. "Will... I'm sorry I acted like... I dunno since I got here your the only one who cared enough to even ask what was bothering me." I kept my face against Sash's neck as I whispered it all the sudden feeling very crummy and annoyed at myself for all this crap. My eyes searched the ground for anything to do besides look to him, as usual I messed up by well being myself. Sash snorted and rubbed her head against my shoulder, I smiled but didn't move just stayed there afraid again of someones answer to me. (I can't really bring the guy from her past in in this one maybe next one after everything calms down cause that's when it'll work best )
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 10, 2012 4:28:05 GMT -5
I sighed as Kesha began to get more frustrated, and forced myself to relax. There was no way I'd be able to help her if I was snarky and grumpy. I looked to her and tried to smile. "No, it's me that's sorry," I said to her, tying Gus to a pole in the wash bay and walking over to where Kesha was with Sasha. "I would never expect you to trust me at the blink of an eye, and I shouldn't have got annoyed. Take all the time you need, and if you decide to trust me in the end, it's your choice." I gave her mare a quick pat on the rump, and turned to walk back to Gus. Just before I left, I half turned back to Kesha. "I'm not going to pity you, but I am going to listen to you and help you," I said softly to her. "And you might have problems trusting people, but I want you to know that you can trust me. Really. I know people have probably said that to you before and not meant it, but I really do." I turned back again and walked over to Gus, turning the tap on and spraying water onto his feet. He sidestepped a little, then grew used to the water and stood patiently while I hosed all the sweat from his coat. The water ran in rivulets down his back and off his belly, dripping down and pooling on the concrete under him. I turned to look back at Kesha, and she had her face buried in Sasha's neck. I sighed, and clenched my fist into a ball, wincing as my nails cut into flesh. I just never knew the right thing to say to make people feel better, I always made it worse. I sighed and placed my thumb half over the end of the hose, causing the water to be forced out harder. I sprayed Gus down with it, making sure all the sweat was rinsed out. Turning the tap off, I crossed my arms over his back and leaned on it, watching Kesha over the chestnut's back. I could feel water from his coat seeping through my shirt and onto my skin, but I didn't care. I just wanted to figure out what I could say to make everything alright.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 10, 2012 5:10:06 GMT -5
I kept my head down thinking of everything he said. I started to chew on my lip and tasted a little bit of blood mixed in there, I shook my head at myself Lucy always said I'd chew a hole strieght through my lip if I didn't stop this habit. I swallowed hard trying to fight the sting in my eyes. I took a deep breath and let it out raggedly thinking of something to say but nothing came to mind, I had only ever trusted one other person in my life besides Lucy and he had said simaler things that Will just had but not in the same way not with the same tone of voice. I licked my lips and starred at the ground thinking in my own head for a moment. Finally I whispered unsure if he could hear me or not. "I know..." and that's what scares me I finished in my head. It scared me to death actually having someone around that might actually stick around to listen to my problems why I have no idea something that was stuck in my head that I couldn't remember. I slowly stopped leaning on my horse and got her tack off so that I could give her a bath. I worked in silence acting as if I didn't notice Will watching me even though I did. I slowly hosed off Sasha and then turned to Will and said. "I know you meant what you said and..." I looked to the ground and added. "And I meant what I said I'll tell you everything sometime. But for now can we just drop it?" I asked and turned back to Sash scraping the water off her and running my fingers through her wet mane. (I swear I will bring in Ryan next post!!! gotta it all planed out but I just need this one answered. )
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 10, 2012 5:29:03 GMT -5
(hahaha no problemo!! Can't wait ) I watched Kesha wash Sasha down, and felt Gus sigh under me. I rubbed his back with one hand, and then pushed myself off him, giving him some room to shift around. He puffed out, bored and a little tired, and I smiled, scratching his neck. "I know, boy," I said softly to him. I barely caught Kesha's whisper, and didn't know what to say in reply. Instead, I walked to the shelf that was on the wall by the wash-bay and grabbed a sweat scraper off it, returning to Gus to swish the water off him. By the time I got around to the other side, so my back was facing Kesha, I heard her speak. Turning to face her, I opened my mouth to reply but she'd already turned away. "Sure," I mumbled, unsure if I'd made her upset or not. Slowly turning back to Gus, I finished scraping him down and replaced the sweat scraper where I'd found it. Going back over to the gelding, I glanced over to Kesha. "Sorry," I murmured to her, just in case I'd said something wrong. She wasn't facing me, so I couldn't tell. I was happy to drop the subject though, if it would make her happy. I didn't know why, but for some reason I wanted to make her happy. I wanted her to be able to laugh and smile and joke around me, and not feel like she had to hide anything. Shaking my head, I untied Gus' reins from the pole and heaved his saddle onto my arm, waiting for Kesha before I returned Gus to his stall.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 10, 2012 6:16:46 GMT -5
(here comes the drama and the past is so gonna bite her in the @$$ right now uh-oh drama time ) I smiled to myself looking at Sasha's side as I finished getting the water off of her. "Thanks." I said and went to put everything back before turning to him, I almost laguhed but just smiled tilting my head to the side starting to feel relaxed agian. "For what saying "Sure?" That isn't something to say sorry for." I said with a little smile, I started over to Sasha and then sliped under her neck. I was facing Will this time when I was about to untie her reins when I smelled it, a smell that I hadn't smelled in almost a year. I sucked in a sharp breath and fear what I'd see if I turned around it wasn't him was it? I mean it couldn't be. I went rigged and goose bumps raised on my arms. I slowly turned around to see who was standing there and at the sight of his face a sharp breath jerked out of me. Ryan. I just stood there staring at him. He smirked and I felt the fear and anger raise in me as he spoke. "What hello for an old flame?" He asked me and I felt a knot so tight in my stomache I thought that I was going to puke. I cliched my jaw to keep it from shaking as I released and cliched my hands over and over again. "Hyan." I spat my breathing had increased and I thought I might hypervenalate soon. "What not happy to see me?" He asked with a smirk and a look in his eyes that made me think of the day he destroyed me. "What the hell are you doing here, your not welcome anywhere near me!" I yelled breathing hard, I had never felt this angered and fearful at the same time. He smirked and I swear I could almost feel myself starting to explode peace by peace. "I said what the Hell Are You Doing Here!" I snapped. "Oh relax girlie, heard you were hiding out around here somewhere and wanted to pop in to say hi." He said with a sneer and I knew he was lying and that he had something rude to say and that I wouldn't like it. "You know danm well I have nothing to say you that even comes close to that." I growled. He laughed a dry laugh and just seemed to notice Will, he looked back to me with a flash of anger in his eyes, I almost laughed at him he still thought he owned me. "Who's that? Your boyfriend? He know anything about you?" I just starred at him unwilling to answer or even glance at Will, if I did Ryan would take it that I was worried and drag him into this. "None of your bussiness! Your out of my life! You don't own me and you never did!" He simply brushed off my yelling and said. "Oh baby your wrong I owned you back then and you know I still do. After all you never forget your first love." He said with a smirk and I snapped. "You have no danm right to be here or anywhere near me! You tried to ruin me! But you didn't. You didn't ruin me." I yelled and spat at him, I could feel the tears burning in my eyes as I looked into his uncaring eyes and thought could I have ever cared for him in anyway. "You used me! You betrayed everything I trusted you with! You shamed me and I now I'm ashamed I ever thought there was good in you!" "I didn't try to ruin you I made you stronger you were weak and you needed someone better then your slack ass sister to look after you. Your who you are because of me. And betrayal is a way of life. You think he'll look at you the same when he finds out what happened between us? Or what your dad did to you? You and me were the same Kesha and you know it." He said with just a slight raise in his voice he was getting angry. "I'll never be like you! Your a cheat and a liar! Betrayal is not a way of life! Trush and trust is but your right you didn't try to ruin me you did! And don't you ever talk about my sister like that again! She protected me as best she could and in her eyes that wasn't hurting me!" I snapped at him, now my tears were fighting to fall down my cheeks but I held them where they were, I couldn't let him see me cry. I saw the anger spike in his eyes and he stepped forward and said. "You are just like me! You know as well as I do that on the streets you do what you have to survive! And that involves cheating and being a liar!" He said and I screamed right back. "But does that involve using a fourteen year old girl! Taking her and making her think you love her! But then turning around throwing her away like freaking garbage!" I sucked in a breath and felt the first tear get around my fighting eyes. "You took everything from me and left me with nothing." I could feel more tears burning in my eyes as I starred at him in anger. "Your nothing but a worthless coward!" I snapped letting the tear and its followers roll down my cheeks. He almost turned red with anger and yelled. "You really think anyone will ever really know you? And if they do that they won't look at you think of what you went through as disgusting? Or think that the things you did were unnesariy? And will you ever be able to handle being honest if it could drive someone away from you? Cause I bet if he knew what you have done he'd look at you with anger and disgust in his eyes." I sucked in a breath and thought it was getting harder to breath and not break down and bawl.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 11, 2012 20:13:34 GMT -5
(yayayayayyayayayayay)
I smiled to Kesha, and couldn't hold back a laugh at what she said. "Yeah, something like that," I grinned to her. I watched as she moved under her mare and went to untie her, then noticed her stiffen. "Something wrong?" I asked her, frowning slightly. I wondered if maybe Sasha had stepped on her foot or something, but then fell silent as Kesha spun around and started yelling. "Kesha, wha-" I cut myself off as I noticed for the first time a guy standing before her. I frowned, and took a couple of steps over there when I realised I couldn't do anything right now. I shoved my tack roughly back onto a pole and dropped Gus' reins, trusting the gelding to stay put. I fidgeted, shifting my weight from foot to foot and ready to jump into whatever was happening. Listening to them fight, suddenly it all clicked together in my head. This was the guy who'd betrayed Kesha. This was the whole problem in the first place. I stepped up to where they were, standing behind Sasha while the other two were on the other side of the mare. I glared at the guy, and folded my arms over my chest, staring at him. I clenched my teeth, knowing I had to fight not to jump right in and crack him a good one across the face. "I think you should leave," I forced out, my breath nearly a whistle. I tried to ignore everything the guy was saying to her, but little bits and pieces wormed their way into my mind. I shook it off and stepped around Sasha, until I was staring square at the guy without the horse in my way. "Whatever you're implying, you're wrong," I ground out to him, my voice and posture tense. I really, really didn't like this guy. "I'd never be stupid enough to judge someone based on what somebody else did to them." I glared at him, making dang sure he knew that the somebody was him, and that he wasn't welcome anymore. I half turned to Kesha, hating that she was trying so hard to stay strong in front of him yet he'd been able to reduce her to tears just by being there. I wanted to say something, to comfort her, but I couldn't even think about it while this guy was here. To comfort her now, in front of him, would be almost like declaring she wasn't strong enough, and I knew like hell that she was. Still, that didn't stop me from stepping in to get him out of her face. "Just leave, now," I growled to him. "Non-members aren't welcome here without a pass, so you're trespassing. And we don't take kindly to trespassers around our horses." I stared him squarely in the face, pretty sure there was a vein or something bulging out of my neck. It felt like my blood was pounding in my head, and I could feel the rage starting to build up inside me. I took a breath to calm down and relaxed a little, not so tense but ready to fight if I had to.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 12, 2012 17:39:44 GMT -5
I lookws sideways at Will and started to worry about what was going to happen here. I couldn't counter anything Ryan said anymore or deny them anymore, I had done things to survive that I would never live down but I couldn't and never have regreted them and I never would and I figured that soon I would have to make this speech out loud to Will and thought scared me even more then Ryan being here. I could see the nager in his eyes as Will spoke to him and I wondered what was going through Ryan's mind just then when he realised that Will wasn't someone who just gonna stand there and listen to him run his mouth but the problem was Ryan was a very good fighter and if you pushed him to far he was deadly even after the state had stopped chasing after him he still worked on his fighting skills. I knew that Ryan probably even still faught in the underground fighting rings cause that's how he made his money. I ganced at Will I didn't mind him backing me up but it was making me even more worried, I looked back at Ryan and said through a few deep breaths. "I swear Ryan I'll call the cops, you know your not a loud me anymore." He smirked and said, "why cause big sister says so?" I glared at him and said. "You know danm well it has nothing to do with her, it has to do with what you did!" I snapped. He just smiled seeming to get relaxed again in the arguement and ignoring Will for a moment till he reeally heard what he said and then looked at him. "Trust me she did everything of her own free will..." He looked back to me. "We did it but you just got off because of your sister, what will he think when he finds out what you did." He said and I felt myself cringe away. "I did what I had to!" I yelled at him, I tried to pull myself together but it didn't work and that's when I noticed that his attention wasn't on me for the moment. "This is none of your bussiness, this is between me and her." He said nodding to me. "But..." He started to say and I knew it was gonna be bad so I jumped in. "LEAVE! And if I ever see you close to me again I swear I'll kill you!" He just smirked he knew my threats meant nothing just as much as I did, "your lies and threats are as worthless as you are Kesha." He spat and left, one thing about him he knew just how over stay his welcome hurt you and then leave with one big blow to finish it off. As soon as Ryan was out of site I couldn't hold it in anymore, "sorry" I muttered to Will as I ran into the stable. Once I got to the hay I slid down and started to cry, I wrapped my arms around myself and slightly rocked back and forth.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 12, 2012 18:41:16 GMT -5
I glowered at the guy, waiting for him to say or do something that would justify me hitting him across the face. When Kesha threatened to call the cops, I stiffened. I knew he was a jerk -heck, anybody could tell that just by looking at the guy-but was he really that bad? I glared at him and decided to trust Kesha. she obviously knew him a lot better than I did. "I think you should get the hell out of here, now," I spat at him. He kept bringing Kesha's sister into this, and I wondered if he was part of their family or something. I didn't understand fully, and I wouldn't until this idiot was gone. When he spoke to me, I tensed, and glared at him. "I don't care what she did, or if she wanted to do it," I growled to him. "I just care that you are not welcome here." I took a step towards him, wanting so badly to hurt him for hurting Kesha. I didn't even know why I was so angry. When he spoke to me again, I raised an eyebrow. "You just made it my business," I retorted, glowering. I could feel my face flush with anger, and I was so focused on the jerkwad that I nearly jumped out of my skin when Kesha yelled from right next to me. "That makes two of us," I hissed through clenched teeth. He might think Kesha's threats were empty, but mine sure as hell weren't. I was surprised when he turned and stalked away, and I let out a huge breath, trying to erase the tension. I turned as Kesha muttered an apology, and took a step after her as she ran to the barn. "Kesha!" I called after her, but she was already gone. I cursed, and retied Gus, leaving the two horses to their own devices for the moment. Jogging into the barn, I looked around but couldn't see Kesha. I could hear her, though. I walked slowly over to where I could hear her crying, and slid down in the hay next to her. It killed me to see her like this, reduced to rocking back and forth, hiding from everything. "Hey, it's okay," I whispered to her, gently and tentatively sliding an arm around her shoulders. "Everything's gonna be okay. He's gone." I felt my own eyes prickle and clenched my jaw together, rubbing at my face with a fist. Seeing Kesha like this made me wanna find that guy and make him leave for good, where he could never make anybody feel like this ever again. I glanced down at the girl next to me and felt my heart squeeze itself into a knot. "It's gonna be okay," I whispered again, just wanting her to feel better. I had to make her feel better, I just did.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 13, 2012 1:49:35 GMT -5
I swallowed hard trying to get ahold of myself but when I took a deep breath it just made it worse. I sucked in a breath when Will spoke to me and slipped his arm around me, I kept my eyes on the floor and barely nodded. I absently leaned against him for support. I licked my lips and barely calmed down, I tried to blink back my tears but that didn't out to well. I could feel the rivlets where the tears had run, but I didn't care anymore and let them slip and run down my face. I tried to get a hold of myself but again it was .Fail. I felt like I had just ran over by a mac-truck and then drug behind a herd of horses and then half drowned and hung out to dry. Pretty bad right? I swallowed and ganced at Will and lightly nodded. "I... I... Know..." I looked back down and sucked in a ragged breath and let my head fall against Will. I didn't wanna move I just wanted to stay still with no noise for awhile with no questions, no talking, just sitting in silence with the sounds and smells of a stable. I closed my eyes and worked on feeling content and relaxed. The only thing that took my mind off what had happened was thinking that Will was sitting here next to me and that he had tried to stand up for me, about that time I really realised that his arm was around me and something warm spread in my stomach and prickles tinged over my skin and made my spin tingle. I was almost annoyed at myself for even thinking anything about Will, but I realised that I had finally calmed down a little bit, well anyway I was barely crying anymore and I thought was good but I still didn't want to talk or answer or ask questions. Not yet anyway.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 13, 2012 3:14:13 GMT -5
I sat next to Kesha, and sighed in relief when she leaned back against me. I'd been afraid she would reject it, run away and hide again. But I didn't want her to be alone, not ever, and especially not right now. When she spoke, I still felt torn inside. Despite what I'd said to her, it wasn't okay. Nothing was okay, not in the slightest, but there was no way I was going to even think that thought. I squeezed her shoulder and held her against me, letting my chin rest on top of her head. "It's alright," I whispered again, barely audible. For the moment, I was content to just be there, to let her know it would all turn out okay. Eventually. "I'm here." I fell silent after that, not wanting to say anymore. I felt rather than saw Kesha begin to relax. The tears slowed, and the rocking had stopped. I closed my eyes and exhaled gently, realising that my thumb had been working small circles against Kesha's shoulder without me noticing. She hadn't cringed away yet, so I took that as a good sign. And sitting there in the quiet, the only noises being horses shuffling around in their stalls, I began to believe what I'd been murmuring over and over. Maybe everything really would be alright.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 13, 2012 4:55:04 GMT -5
I closed my eyes for a minute just sitting there listening to him whisper but didn't answer anything, I knew I didn't need to he knew I was listening. I felt a reluctent small smile try to lighten my face when I felt him exhale, it made me relax easier being able to hear his breathing. I kept my eye closed letting only good things come to mind like the awesome day and everything we had done today it had been so amazing and fun it had almost made me forget everything about what had happened back home but then that little inkling had slipped in and I wondered if somewhere deep down I had sensed Ryan's presence even before we got back to the stable, maybe that was why I had gotten all freaked out on the ride or something close to that reason, cause I hadn't thought about him in months why today? Why the day he showed up? I shook my mind and let myself start to relax some more, finally I Realised that I wasn't rocking anymore and that my heart wasn't beating a thousand times faster then it should. I almost felt myself smile when Will rested his chin on the top of my head, but it didn't quite reach my lips. "I know." I breathed out so lightly I didn't think he'd heard me. I opened my eyes feeling a little more calm but the tears were still as freash as the sting that had been made by Ryan showing up actually it was more then a sting it was more like a cut streight to the heart and it was gonna take a while to close the wound up again, what Ryan had said would take more then stiches to heal. I felt like my insides were being ripped and torn to shreds part of me wanted to curl up in a little ball bawl till I couldn't anymore, the second part wanted to get mad and start yelling at everybody and not let up but one part the thrid and strongest part didn't want to talk of move just wanted to stay right here in my own safe little world, where it felt like nothing could get me past all the horses and Will. That part was what was tearing me apart cause the other two were fighting it as much as they could and my stomache was being twisted and it wasn't a nice feeling it was making me sick and I hated Ryan for he reduced me to. I blinked a couple times and breathed through my mouth, I didn't move my head just blinked a few times and then relaxed even more feeling side three beating that other two as I just felt the movement on my shoulder, it made me feel more like someone was there, waiting for me. But most of all it made me feel safe.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 13, 2012 5:22:26 GMT -5
Feeling Kesha relax and slowly calm herself brought a faint smile to my face. I didn't relinquish my hold on her though, I had a feeling if I did then I'd lose it as much as she had. Thinking back on our day, I figured that it almost had been too good to be true. Typical that something had to come along and spoil the great mood. I didn't care about that anymore though; right now all I cared about was being there for Kesha. Whatever that guy had done to her, had said to her, had left a huge mark. And typical of the entire jerkface species, he'd left, leaving somebody else to pick up all the pieces. I clenched my jaw, then relaxed again, determined not to let him ruin anything else. He was gone, so I'd forget about him. about everything, until Kesha was ready to talk about it. I had a feeling she didn't want to, not yet, and I surprisingly found that I was okay with that. I hugged Kesha to my side and breathed in slowly, letting all the tension seep out when I breathed out again. Continuing to breathe slowly and deeply, I felt myself relax more and more, until I was almost happy again. I had a feeling I would only be completely happy when Kesha was alright again. 'You've known her for like a day!' one part of my mind snapped at me. The part that thought I shouldn't care this much, not this soon. It was quickly shut out by the rest of me, the part that wanted her to be okay more than anything.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 13, 2012 5:47:30 GMT -5
I sighed starting to feel happy again, I didn't know how I would have reacted if I had been alone when Ryan had shown up, actually I did know. I would've ended up in the corner where no one would find me and bawl till I wanted to puck and would finally fall asleep for hours from crying. I almost shuddered at the thought of being alone but I didn't cause the point was I wasn't alone and that meant something to me and alot more then Ryan's words had meant. I licked my lips and felt myself relax even more with each of his breaths and I wondered if he knew it was him that had relaxed me? I sighed and didn't utter a word I was content and happy to stay exactly where I was not willing to move just yet even though there was a small part of me that wanted to yell and another part that wanted to hide there was part of me that hadn't been there in over a year the part that just needed the sercurtiy of being held and the protective claock of silenice along with it. After a while of doing nothing but sitting in silenice held tightly against his side I whispered. "I promise I'll tell... You... Everything... When I can..." I fadded out that old fear raising in me that made me scared to trust again but there was one part of me that I thought Ryan had killed in me, the part that could trust but something had revived it brought back that need for someone to know everything about me. I looked blankly down still and murmered not sure he could hear me or not. "I'll listen too..." I remebered what he had said eairler today and I knew what he had meant it could make you feel sick and very lonely when no one cared to know all your secrets and I thought that I had always wanted that but had forgot what it was like to have that need after Ryan. Why had his visit made me think so much about trusting Will? Why had it gave me the need to trust again? Shouldn't it have made me more scared to trust? No I knew why because now I knew I could trust Will and something inside me was sick of hiding who I really was anymore.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 13, 2012 6:08:40 GMT -5
I opened my eyes a crack as I felt myself and Kesha both relaxing more, and breathed deeply. Glancing around the barn, I nearly laughed to myself. Who would've thought a day as magical as today would end with both of us huddled in the hay fighting tears? A ghost of a smile wormed its way to my lips and stayed there. I felt my insides getting their stupid happy fuzzy feeling again and this time didn't care what it meant. I'd probably never admit it out loud, but this moment was giving me butterflies, and I didn't care what had led up to us being here. The important thing was that we were both here together now. I lifted my head and looked down at Kesha as she whispered. "Don't worry about any of that," I murmured to her, replacing my chin back into its little nest of Kesha's hair. "Whenever you're ready to tell me, I'll be here. But you don't have to rush into it." I spoke quietly, nearly mumbling into the top of Kesha's head. My eyes pricked when she said she would listen. There was no girl in the world who could've made my heart jump with just those words. I tightened my arm around her, hugging her to me and giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Thank you," I whispered to her, my breath catching in my throat. I didn't know why it meant so much to me, but to have somebody willing to listen to you even when they were in a bad place themselves really meant something. I smiled into Kesha's hair, breathing her in. Part of me wanted to kick myself for letting her make me feel all giddy and sentimental, but the other part was extremely grateful for her few words. "I'll always be here for you to talk to," I murmured to her.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 13, 2012 6:34:17 GMT -5
I smiled to myself at his words, I could feel my insides tingle and knot in a good way before relaxing and leaving me feeling slightly more relaxed and tired. Today had been fun and maybe there had been a reason I had met Will today, maybe it was so that I would have someone there for me cause it was pretty much impossible not to face your past sooner or later and better Ryan then my father, if it had been him I would have broken down and cried the minute he said something cruel to me cause I knew he blamed me for my mothers death and he hated me for it. I never understood and never will understand why he hated me it wasn't my fault mom had me or why I was born early. I felt more tears threaten me and I knew that was where my real issues lay with my father and the things the Ryan had said the last time we saw each other as a couple. I blocked out the memories and smiled again at WIll's words. "Thank you for really understanding." I whispered and wondered how Ryan had ever got me to trust him? Not the same way Will was no Ryan and been there to let me scream and yell and even slam my fists into his chest a few times. I hated him but I couldn't deny that he took away a lot of my anger and even now it made it hard to hate that part of him, the good part the part that cared for others. I hated that I knew this and would never admit it but I understoof why he did it I think, he wasn't wrong when you grow up on the streets you do what you have to to survive and some tiny part of me wanted to believe that deep down Ryan hated himself for he did to me but even if he came crawling back begging for forgivness I would never be able to grant it to him cause I could never trust him again not in this life time. I sighed in contentment and muttered. "True friends listen to your problem too... False friends only want you to listen to theirs." It was what I believed and always would true friends bared each others crosses and false ones only you bare their's they don't want it both ways. I smiled and nodded to his words and turned my head ever so slightly so that my head rested more on his shoulder and chest and whispered. "I know..."
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 13, 2012 6:53:57 GMT -5
I smiled slightly when Kesha spoke, and nodded gently. I shifted myself slightly backwards so I was leaning against a wall, my arm still around her. I didn't want to let go, in case it cracked the fragile shell that was repairing itself. I sighed with a smile and let my thumb continue to trace circles on Kesha's shoulder. The movement kept me sane, and since she hadn't shrugged away yet I hoped it was doing her some good too. I nodded again to the rest of her comment. "That's true," I murmured to her. "Even though sometimes your true friends pretend to listen, but still don't quite hear you." I sighed, then smiled as she turned her head more. I tentatively brushed some hair gently away from her face, and smiled down at her. I was glad the tears had stopped, the angry words and the hiding was gone. "Good," I whispered to her quietly. "I need you to know that." I didn't quite understand my own words, but I realised they were true. I needed Kesha to know that I'd be there for her, no matter what. Even though I barely knew her, I owed her that much. To be there for her and listen to her, whatever was wrong. "I won't ever hurt you," I whispered, almost silently. It came out as a breath, tentative, careful I didn't even know why I said it, but I wanted her to hear it. I held her a little closer and leaned my head back against the wall, looking up at the roof with a relaxed sigh.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 13, 2012 7:26:33 GMT -5
I smiled when he leaned against the wall and still stayed where I was not wanting to move or say to much, I smiled at the circles be traced on my shoulder it felt good and kept me grounded in the here and now instead back there in my awful past. What was it like to have a past you wanted to remember? The only part of my life that I wanted to remember was my time here and more then anything I wanted to remeber this day Ryan included cause the awfulness of him couldn't dull the happiness that WIll brought. I almost chuckled and nodded my head, "yes that's true too." I said nodding again. And absent small smile spread across my face when he brushed the hair out of it, I almost shivered from the tickle of my hair or was the skin to skin touch? I didn't know but I kept from shivering. I closed my eyes again finally feeling like the good mood was spreading over me again fighting and killing any and everything that threatened our good moods. I smiled against him and barely opened my eyes, I don't why but him saying that made me happy and feel even more happy with today. I smiled more and this time opened my eyes all the way and barely looked up at him and smiled more, I didn't know why but his statment right there made my day and almost killed everything else that threatened to ruin this day and I hoped nothing else would touch this day and let it become wonderfull again.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 13, 2012 7:44:56 GMT -5
I felt happiness flooding inside of me for no real reason, and I grinned to myself, still looking up at the roof. I felt Kesha nod her head against my chest, and looked down to her with a smile. I could see a faint smile etched on her face too, and that more than anything made relief burst inside me. If she was smiling again, it meant that things were gonna be okay. I felt heat flush through me and I grinned like an idiot, again leaning my head back against the wall to contemplate everything. Finally rolling my head back down to look at Kesha, I saw her smiling up at me. "It's good to see you smile," I whispered to her, glancing down into her face briefly. I was glad she could smile even after everything. Even if it wasn't a full out grin, it lit up her face so much more. I returned the smile, and gently pressed my lips to the top of her head, tentatively. Her hair tickled my face, and I closed my eyes briefly, then reopened them with a faint sigh. "Don't let that smile go away," I murmured, turning my face to rest my cheek against the top of her head. My heart thudded, it felt so loud that I was sure she could feel it. I smiled stupidly, not knowing what on earth I'd just done. It had just seemed like the thing I should do. And when I thought about it, I realised it hadn't even been because I liked Kesha. It was more to comfort her, I guess. I rolled my eyes at myself, and then closed them, nearly laughing at my own stupid thoughts. I didn't care what my mind told me to do, just as long as I could see Kesha's smile again, it would be worth it.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 13, 2012 8:07:26 GMT -5
I felt his heart beat and smiled smiled to myself abd bit my bottom lip again, man I was gonna have such a bad sore there in a few days. More like tomorrow. I felt a warm gooey feeling slid down my chest and settle in my stomach when he kissed my forehead, I smiled a little bit more at that and then really smiled when he spoke to me this made me happy and I didn't really understand fully why or what was happening between us but whatever it was I liked and wasn't sure I ever wanted to slip out of this moment it felt great to be stuck in this little bubble even if it couldn't last forever my memory of could. I let my head rest against him and smiled when my hair around my face again but I didn't move it I didn't mind it there, in fact it made it easier to keep glancing back up at him without getting caught that much. I almost chuckled to my stupid reasoning I mean I couldn't see through my hair anyway! But I still didn't move it simply because I didn't want to move anything but my head when I had to, I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment and let my mind wander around to happy thoughts that were swimming around and most of them involved todays ride. I felt happy and content again with nothing but happy thoughts swimming in my head, flashing of todays ride went through my head and I had to smile a real and true smile of all the things me and Will did today, when I cut out our talk on the way back and Ryan's little visit I could honestly feel like this day was one of the best days ever, also as long as I didn't think about Lucy this was not gonna make her happy and I don't just mean Ryan being here. She was gonna flip the first time she heard me mantion Will or worse she would come by to visit me and know my look when I saw him and flip right then, she knew the looks I did when I was trying to hide that I liked someone. I almost kept smiling though Lucy was scary but she wasn't stupid and would eventually trust me enough again to make smart descions.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 13, 2012 23:02:25 GMT -5
Sitting there, smiling like a fool, I felt relaxed and happy. I didn't even want to say anything, I was content just to sit there with Kesha. I smiled into her hair and felt happy inside when she gave a genuine smile. She must be feeling better, if only okay, if she was smiling. I closed my eyes, relaxing, not wanting anything to shatter this moment. So of course, something did. I felt something push at my face, breathing across my skin, and cracked open my eyes. Sighing and lifting my free hand, I swatted Jewel's looming muzzle away from my face and tried half-heartedly to shoo her away. She pinned her ears and nipped at me, and I rolled my eyes. "You're a spoiled brat, Jewel," I hissed to her. "Go annoy Gus or something." The little donkey snorted and walked off a few steps, snuffling around in the hay. The peacefullness was definitely gone. I chuckled, which progressed to a snort that I tried to hold in, eventually leading to laughter. I grinned at the donkey, and shook my head slightly. She lifted her head and stared at the two of us, eyes wide, before scampering off somewhere. I could hear the clatter of her little hooves, and I tried to stop my sides heaving with laughter. I covered my mouth with my free hand and glanced down at Kesha, trying to hold in my laughs. "Sorry," I mumbled sheepishly, grinning down to her.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 13, 2012 23:26:56 GMT -5
I smiled when I heard Will hiss at Jewel, I opened my eyes and watched the little Donkey. I felt myself smile a wide true smile and looked up at WIll and raised my eyebrows. And then laughed, "why?" I asked laughing and then smiled tilting my head to the side to let my hair fall out of my face. "Making me smile?" I said and then laughed a little bit more, there was nothing that was better then laughter in a bad sitution, I grinned and lightly laughed a little more, I sighed and smiled and then slightly groaned. "I think she was saying. 'Umm.. you kinda left them tied up.'" I said shaking my head with a little bit of a graon. I didn't wanna move I just wanted to sit here in my own little bubble a little while longer but poor Sash was just standing out there dripping wet tied with a bit in her mouth and Gus was still tied up too. I smiled and shook my head and then tilted it to the side thinking and then glanced up at Will. Today had been nearly perfect to me and I wasn't gonna let awfulness take away the greatness of it. I smiled not taking my eyes off of Will and tried to think of something to say but there was nothing to say, nothing that could make this moment any better. I sighed felt just slightly tired like you always do after you cry real hard but something else was tugging at me and telling me something and I wasn't sure if I was ignoring it or just couldn't hear it yet, maybe it needed a little more time to grow so that it could speak to me and have me actually hear it.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 14, 2012 1:01:42 GMT -5
I grinned at Kesha, then laughed to her comment. "That's probably true," I said with a slight groan. I'd completely forgotten about poor old Gus, tied up out in the sun. I leaned my head back against the wall and sighed. "We should probably go get them," I said offhandedly, not making one move to get up and go. "Hm," I said to myself, laughing. "Wonder if Jewel went to untie them for us," I joked. I looked down and noticed Kesha looking up at me. I smiled down to her and gave her a small squeeze when she sighed. I could still faintly see the tracks her tears had left down her face, but the wetness had gone. I gave a smile to her, and spoke softly. "I had a really good day," I murmured to her quietly. It was true. Even with the argument and the stupid jerkfaced guy showing up, I'd had an awesome day. It made me look forward to our next ride in a couple days. I smiled and shifted my weight a little. My leg was beginning to fall asleep, and I shook out the pins and needles in it.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 14, 2012 2:57:09 GMT -5
I smiled at Will and laughed, I smiled more and rested my chin on his chest looking at him. "Yeah probably..." I agreed still not moving though, I laughed and said. "Now that would be nice cause I think both my feet are asleep." I laughed, actually it was my butt that was asleep but no way was I gonna say thought out loud. I relaxed a little bit, you know to the point where you can feel your finger tips tingle and your insides almost shut down. I smiled when he squeezed my shoulder and almost sighed contentment. I couldn't help but smile brightly up at him when he said today was a good day, it made everything seem brighter and more worth it some how. "Yeah it was pretty good." I whispered and closed my eyes for a minute and then opened them again they kinda stung from all the tears but I didn't really care. "I guess we should... Go get the horses..." I said fading out a little bit still studying his face with a small smile, I closed my eyes again and whispered so quietly I wasn't sure he heard me. 'Today was the best day...' I said it mostly to myself as a statement, after a few seconds of sitting with my eyes closed I sighed and made a motion to get up, but it wasn't that much of an effort.
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 14, 2012 3:20:57 GMT -5
I grinned to Kesha and nodded. "Yep," I agreed with a smile, chuckling at the fact that neither of us were getting up. "Yeah...don't think I've trained her that well though," I laughed, amused. I smiled to myself, and saw Kesha smile too. I nodded at what she said, mumbling my agreement. "Definitely," I said quietly. I chuckled as yet again going to get the horses was mentioned. "Probably..." I said to her, smiling. I looked down to Kesha as she closed her eyes, a small smile still on her face. I nodded, even though she couldn't see, when she whispered that today was the best. "That it was," I agreed, grinning. I laughed as Kesha went to get up, but didn't. I guess she felt the same way I did; not wanting to move or leave this little moment. I closed my eyes for a second and then sighed, reopening them and gently shifting my arm forward to slide it away from Kesha's shoulders. Forcing myself to my feet, I stood and stretched, shaking out my legs. I looked down to Kesha with a smile, instantly sorry that I'd stood. I could've stayed in that moment forever. "Come on," I laughed to her, reaching my hand down as an offer to help her up. "We should probably go and get those gremlins before Gus starts hitting on Sasha." I winked, teasing her, and rolled my shoulders, hearing them crack as the joints popped back into place. I couldn't stop the little baby-dinosaur noise that comes with stretching from escaping my throat. I chuckled, and smiled down at Kesha, wanting to just sit back down for the rest of my life. I shook my wild, sandy hair out of my face and felt one side of my mouth lift in a grin. I wished this day could last forever. I'd be happy with that, even all the bad parts, if it would always lead to this moment. I scratched my ribs with one hand, and brushed the hay off my jeans, laughing. "Geez, if we stay in here any longer people are gonna start to think we live in this place," I grinned to Kesha. I chuckled, feeling radiantly hyper for some reason. I smiled, and looked around the barn. There was nobody else in here, but a few horses were staring curiously at me, as if they were wondering where I'd popped up from. I poked my tongue out at the staring horses, laughing, then looked back to Kesha, still holding out my hand as an open invitation.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 14, 2012 3:42:54 GMT -5
I smiled and laughed, when he stood up I sighed popped my knuckles which felt really good cause they were really stiff from riding and keeping them balled up in fists angry at Ryan. I smiled as he streached and laughed at what he said and then I smiled and said. "Yeah well she already has Aqustin." I said with a teasing smile, it was true in a way I mean she was gonna be bred to him and when they were turned out together he always chased her around like a mustang stallion driving his herd. He always did that to Chaya, Cierra, Signet and Sasha. I laughed at my thoughts and also thought he had taken a shine to that new mare Frost. I laughed at him and shook my head, "yeah well living in barn ain't the worst place to live." I said with a grin, and for once I was just joking not talking about my past just joking. "I think the barn is cleaner then my room anyway!" I said with a laugh, I burst out laughing and shook my head at him when he stuck his tongue out at the horses, "your real mature." I said sarcastictly but jokingly. I gripped his hand and pulled myself up and of course like the gaceful danger I am I tripped and fell right into him. I looked up at him and laughed, "yes I really am a dancer." I said before he could comment on the fact that I had said I was a dancer and I just tripped by standing up!
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Post by Peanut Loves EVERYONE!! on Feb 14, 2012 3:52:47 GMT -5
I grinned to Kesha and laughed. "Aww, poor Gus," I said, smiling. My gelding honestly didn't realy care, he wasn't fussed by other horses anyway. He never liked or disliked any other horse, not in the whole time I'd known him. "He just tolerates other horses anyway. Sasha would be sorely disappointed in Gus. Especially the whole gelding thing, y'know?" I winked and grinned to Kesha, chuckling. I smiled, and then grinned to what she said. "I know, I know! I practically live in the barn anyway," I joked to her. I laughed at her comment and rolled my eyes. "I am completely mature!" I gasped, feigning offence. I laughed again, remembering our comments from earlier in the day. "Well, sometimes anyway. Other times, I'm truly a child." I laughed, and tightened my fingers around Kesha's hand as she allowed me to pull her up. Stumbling as she tripped, I wrapped an arm around her waist to catch her, and burst out laughing. "Oh, I can definitely see that!" I grinned to her, shaking my head and standing her upright again. "Definitely the most graceful rise from the ground I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing." I laughed, and took a step back, realising with a flush of heat how close we'd been standing to each other. I looked to Kesha and smiled, then chuckled. "Oh, and you have hay in your hair," I laughed, reaching forwards and plucking it out with two fingers. I twirled the stalk of hay around in front of her face, and then let it fall to the ground. I looked down, watching it spiral to the floor, then glanced back up to look Kesha in the face. "Shall we go rescue these poor horses then?" I asked her with a smile.
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Post by KM loves MUSIC and PEANUT!!!! on Feb 14, 2012 4:29:17 GMT -5
I smiled and laughed nodding to him. "yeah you got a point there!" I laughed and looked him in the eyes for a moment with a smile this had been almost the perfect day and now with this part of the day with all the bad put behind us I was very happy and really thinking that today had been perfect. I laughed and rolled my eyes, "I didn't say not being mature was a bad thing, sometimes you have to immature." I said with a bright smile what was it acting like a grown up all the time? I loved being goofy and being other people who didn't mind acting like little kids from time to time it was refreashing and made me happy. One thing about today that I loved was that I could totally relax around a Will and joke and tease without worrying about him taking it the wrong way I don't know how I knew this but I did. I laughed, frowned and snorted at him. That's when I realised it didn't make me cringe when his arm went around me and I always cringed when anyone so much as brushed anywhere near my back. I licked my lips and looked down a little bit of blush coming to my face as he stepped back and I took one as well. I narrowed my and looked at him and smiled. "Well this is a barn not a dance studio." I said with a small small, my eyes met his for split second before I looked down when he plucked the hay out of my hair looked up at it, "well I was kinda sitting in hay." I said with a little laugh and then nodded in agreement. "Yeah Sash is gonna chew me out so freaking bad!" I said laughing and start to towards the door but not that fast, I was still a little afraid to go back out there cause a little part of me was saying what if he's still here? What is he didn't really leave? Goosebumbs raised on my arms and I made sure that Will was gonna keep pace with me.
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